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I hate facebook.

I like the anonymity of the internet. I like being able to say things like "I feel sad a lot" without having to worry about who might find it in the future.

And I do feel sad, sometimes I feel so sad it's a physical pain in my chest. And there is no why, there is no trigger, I just get sad.

And then it goes away for a while, but it always comes back and it's always the same sadness.

Maybe it's like Pratchett said about the night

"The night is always old...while days and kings and empires come and go, the night is always the same age, always eons deep."

Sadness is like that, joys are individual sparks of glad, while sad is always the same sad.


I've been on anti-depressants for about six weeks now. There have been improvements in some areas, my period was mercifully PMS-free and practically no cramping, no crankiness either, though still slept 14-16 hours a day. I feel like I have more control over my eating, I used to have no impulse control when it came to food, and that's improved greatly. I also feel softer, less edgy, more patient.

Mornings are still hard though, and I still have more days that I spend in bed than not. But I'd keep taking them just for the improvement in PMS.


One of my friends from college is currently finishing up his Masters in Physics and asked me if I could help him out with the English on his thesis. I said sure and jumped right in. The English was very inconsistent, Ok in some places and really bad in others, a lot if it was errors due to direct translation from Hebrew. While I didn't understand every detail, I did understand the concept of the project in general, and how the experiment worked (though not exactly why it was necessary or what the results showed), and I think that comes from my own studies.

I know the other people from my class are having similar difficulties and I starting thinking that perhaps this wasn't a bad way to earn some money. My Hebrew's not really good enough to translate whole papers, but my English is certainly good enough to keep a lot of advisers from ripping their hair out.

So... opinions. Am I oversimplifying this? Is there something I'm overlooking or is this something I can try and pursue? Also if I do pursue it, any ideas of how much money I can charge? Taking into account that these are students and probably have a limited if even existent income?

Summer Vacation has arrived...

I know this, not because of the immense crowds of under 16s that have made going to various shopping centers unbearable (because I have not gone to any in a while), or because of the loud exchanges of youths after midnight outside my building (because that's been going on for a while now), but because the Children's movie channel has been working non-stop to entertain those whose primary summer activity involves staring at rather rectangular windows to other worlds (I do not judge, that was my main activity during the summer months).

Recently over the weekend the Children's movie channel showed Peter Pan followed immediately by Hook, a scheduling choice I approve of most heartily. However, I've had strange experiences with this particular Peter Pan movie (the 2003 version), because every time I stumbled across it, it was through vaguely interested channel surfing, and always at the same exact spot. This vexed me (yes, I'm using the word vexed today, you'll find out why shortly), because I really liked the casting done for that movie. 13 year old Jeremy Sumpter somehow makes a perfect Peter, something about how his voice is just about changing ...

Anyway, the desire to see this movie in its entirety somehow combined with my curiosity regarding it's resemblance to the book (and yes I know it was a short story, then a play and only finally a novel). I had the vague impression that the versions I had seen (amateur plays, animated movies) were not quite true to the original story. Luckily since the novel had been published before the Disney Copyright Blockade, I found it easily on Project Gutenberg and spent a leisurely day reading it from beginning to end.

Then I finally watched the whole movie.

While it may be true that I tend to be biased towards the version in the medium in which I first experience the tale, this is not automatic. While I enjoyed Virgina Wolfe's Orlando in movie form a great deal more than in book form, having first seen the movie, I find I prefer Terry Pratchett's work in book form despite seeing some of the movies beforehand. This holds true for any movie version of Alice in Wonderland, and I have seen many versions, I find the book is always superior. Another small note before I end this tangent, I found that I enjoyed both the movie and book form of Dune significantly more once I had experienced both.

In this case, though the movie stays as true as I think it can to the book, I greatly prefer the movie to the novel. The book felt like it was written for children, and I found it somewhat silly in places. The overall writing style felt a bit loose for my comfort, and some of the scenes felt like they were deliberately written for children reading the book by flashlight under their covers at night, and so it may have been, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it was not to my liking. While the movie version was something I felt I could read out to a child. The important elements were there, and it was somewhat updated for modern audiences, another biasing factor I can't dismiss but don't really feel the need to.

Still, I'm glad I read the book, and my only regret is not having read it sooner, by the light of a flashlight, under the sheets, after my parents had told me twice to go to sleep already.

Wow, this turned out of longer than I'd had anticipated.

I keep having anxiety dreams.

The night before last I had a post-apocalyptic nightmare in which the world as I knew it had just ended, and I knew I had to leave my apartment, and I felt bad because I couldn't think of a way to take my cats with me. I even sent someone to the pet store at the nearest mall to get some cat carriers, but he was attacked on the way back.

Last night I dreamt that I somehow got a parasite within me, that first made me act crazy and then made me act dead, and then reproduced and the offspring started coming out of my eye, small white ridged worm like things.

It's interesting that before that dream started I had another dream that I was in school and the teacher kept trying to convince me to take a hit off a bong. I guess my brain knew that my anxiety level was rising and was trying to give me a solution to stop it.

If medical marijuana is ever extended to include psychological disorders in Israel, I'm definitely getting a prescription.

Bit of a lull right now.

A bit of a breather between things, I enjoyed the breather, but now I find myself looking for things to do.

I have a few ideas, meanwhile I've finished the first season of deep space nine, plus the DVD extras which were nice.

I'm back in my own bed which is wonderful. I can deal with the closed off apartment smell in my room now that there's no heavy construction going on at seven in the morning. I think the cats missed me, I keep waking up with stuffed mice all over my bed.

Finished Firefly

It's funny, I've been watching old Star Trek episodes for years and I've just now gotten around to DS9, but Firefly I finished within a couple of days. Feels funny.

Wii'd again today.

That makes me happy. I started slipping back into depression yesterday and I was worried that I would stop exercising for a few weeks because of it. But this morning my mother did a half hour after which I did a half hour, funny thing is I told her that I was worried about not wanting to do it, and she said I'd want to after she did and lo and behold she was right.

One negative is that my outer thigh muscles are bulging again, like I have saddlebags or something. This always happens when I start working out. I have to strengthen my legs though so I just hope that as fat comes off it'll get a nicer leaner look.


Concerta, and two coffees and I'm still too tired to do more than a 10 minute workout.


I woke up this morning with the full intention of having a wii workout. However, one thing led to another and I ended up playing with my nephew until lunch and missed my window of opportunity.

Totally worth it.